The Ocean's Embrace

The moment he stepped onto the beach, the cold from the sand invaded his soul. The full December moon shone down on the black waters, which reflected its bright stare and illuminated the entire shoreline. There was nowhere to hide.

Eli strode calmly to the tide’s edge and collapsed onto the frozen sand. His right hand pulled his favorite Camel unfiltered cigarettes from one pocket while his left gripped the lighter. Opening the package, he took his last cigarette, the lucky cigarette. Ironic. He lifted the cigarette to his mouth and simultaneously flicked the lighter. His first puff was delicious. It reminded him of his eighteenth birthday when his father took him to the local convenience store and purchased for him his first pack. Eli grew up poor, so the gift sufficed. His father could rarely be seen without a cigarette in his mouth and smoke billowing from his nostrils, creating an aura of smoke as pungent as his charisma. This was the father Eli loved and remembered so well. So many pleasant memories.

The smoke glided from his lungs and clouded the air before the wind grasped and pulled it out to sea. Eli began to imagine that the smoke was the ghost of his wife, leading him into the ocean. Today marked the first anniversary of his wife’s death. Cancer had ravaged her body, and despite years of treatment, she had lost the battle. Though Eli rejected the notion, his wife had accepted her fate. He had no children, no family to mourn with. He felt alone.

As the cigarette diminished, he glared at the moon, which now sailed the ocean horizon. He wondered if she was watching him from heaven, standing beside the Jesus she so adamantly believed in. Much to furor of his in-laws, Southern-born Christians themselves, they married. He never embraced her faith, but he enjoyed listening to her speak enthusiastically about it. Every Sunday she would return home from church, brimming with energy and passion, repeating every word from the sermon that morning. Eli just listened and grinned. He loved the sound of her voice. She once prodded him for never going to church, with which he joked that he didn’t have to – he got every sermon straight from her. Eli chuckled when the image of her face – so enraged and yet amused – entered his mind. So many pleasant memories.

But where was her God now? Whenever she needed Him, He was there. Such a spiteful God, to destroy those who love Him the most. This God had left Eli stranded, tortured.

As the last plume of smoke left his throat, he tossed the butt next to him and stood. He timidly stepped into the wet sand, the tide sloshing over his feet. He walked deeper. The water soaked his jeans up to his knees. The cold drained him of all feeling. His pace quickened and he fell over, submerging himself in the freezing ocean. He thrashed until his feet found the ocean floor, and when his head lifted from the surface he struggled to find his breath. The icy sea suffocated him. He could feel his muscles tighten, and color trickled from his face. He knew he was dying, and although the thought comforted him minutes ago, fear now racked his mind. Suddenly, his lungs expanded and he stabilized himself.

His fear dissipated, rage filled his body sending tingles back to his extremities, and he gathered air into his chest. His throat tightened as he began to yell, but only a warm breath of air departed from his mouth. He was too weak, too depressed to let out a wail. Feeling defeated, he simply whispered, “I don’t understand.” He repeated those words until tears claimed his eyes and dribbled down his cheeks, eventually dripping off his chin and joining with the salt of the ocean.

His frozen body wanted to be touched, comforted, embraced. He swam farther until he could not stand, surrounding himself with chilled water, but he felt nothing. God could not touch him.

“Take my life,” he said, “I’m no better than my wife.” He turned and began to swim towards the shore, but before his feet could find the bottom, the water warmed. His hairs rose on end, and for the first time since his wife’s death he was touched.